We’ve got a new puppy – we’ve called him ETL!

Monday …
Our house is full of optimism today – we’ve been out and spent an absolute fortune on a pedigree pup. We were really impressed by the salesman at the shop. He offered something to each family member. Mum (our family manager and my wife) was sold on the the cost efficiency. We won’t need to install an alarm system to protect our house (we live at Data Quality Villa, on Single Version Of The Truth Avenue) and he can be taught to fetch and carry just about anything we need. Our daughter and oldest child Elizabeth-Ann, known as Busy-Ann to her friends, liked the way it was easy to train him to do exactly what she wanted. My son Dev is just grateful to have a new play thing. He’s been talking about going on long hot summer days hacking through the country side – so that’s him out of my hair. And me ? Thomas Archibald (T.Arch. to my friends), well I’m pleased that all the research I did on the web before hand has paid off – the salesman told me I had paid the right price for the right pup. I must admit that I enjoyed all those trips off to Dog Shows to evaluate different breeds and meet other owners – who would have thought you would have to travel to so many exotic places to see different dogs?

Tuesday …
So Mum’s a little bit upset this morning – I don’t know why – I told here there would be a learning curve with this breed before he did anything – but that it would be worth it in the end. She said I was just looking for the latest accessory, but a dog is not just an accessory its for life! Anyway Dev is cleaning up the little accidents in the utility room (you know where all the machines are kept) and says that he is starting to get ETL to do what he wanted. He’s mentioned that he has started to learn the same language at ETL – I don’t know why they expected it to be as easy as dragging a toy or dropping a bone but there you go.

Wednesday …
ETL is settling in well – he’s taken over an entire corner in the utility room and when he lies in his bed paws and ears hang over the edge looking cute. Mum was moaning again about the little accidents. She says it’s taking too much time but I don’t see the problem – Dev and his girlfriend DeBrA clean them up so Mum really doesn’t have to do anything to worry about. It was quite funny when I got home tonight, Dev had all his mates around, DeBrA was there along with the twins Si Admin and Nat Admin eating cold pizza, they were all chatting about how ETL just wasn’t very quick at learning new things or at fetching things when he has learnt them. The good news is that ETL is finally fetching something – he brought me my fluffy slippers when I got home tonight.

Thursday …
Mum is still unhappy about the wasted time looking after ETL – so I popped in to the shop where I got him and asked for some advice. They sent me to the local vets – who can cure anything the salesman said. I popped in on the way home and met a couple of the firms partners. ‘SI Partners’ is a big company with ‘global reach’ and a ‘local presence’ so I was delighted that they said they could help. I’ve had to take out an insurance policy with lots of small print about exemptions and things that aren’t covered by the standard contract but that’s normal for these sort of things. One of the partners is coming round tomorrow to do a review and let us know what we need to do.

Friday … 
Mum’s still unhappy (how did we know that was coming?) but the partner came around early and set our minds to rest. We’re missing the obvious, we didn’t get the accessories – there are a complete range of toys, bells and whistles made especially for this breed! We got a leash to keep him under control when we bought him but we haven’t used it (according to the partner that is why ETL doesn’t have any discipline) and we didn’t think the extras would be needed but there you go, the only downside is that the extras cost almost as much as the dog did. The partner is also sending around a couple of practice nurses to help keep an eye on things. It would have all been expensive but the for call-off insurance (he said something about the extras and the nursing not being covered but we will sort that out)

Saturday …
Still not got ETL trained. Busy-Ann is unhappy because a simple change seems to cause so many problems. ETL could fetch my old slippers but doesn’t seem to understand that they are now redundant as I got some new ones for my birthday and so I really want him to fetch my new ones. The old ones were furry and he seemed to like those but he doesn’t get on with these new leather ones and has chewed the corners off the toes. It’s pretty bad news as fetching the slippers is the only thing we’ve got him to do so far and I felt the toes were an integral part of the slipper!

Sunday …
Didn’t sleep too well last night. There was a lot of noise in the middle of the night and I went down stairs to find Dev howling at the moon in the garden. I asked him what he was up to and he said that since he had learnt ETLs language he found it easier to bark himself! Eventually I persuaded him to go to bed. I overslept because of the disturbance and when I got downstairs I found a note from my wife to say she had left and taken Dev with her. She said that since we got the dog our house had become the dirtiest on the street, not good for a house called ‘Data Quality Villas’. She was going somewhere where they would listen to her and appreciate Dev for his new found skills. I don’t know what the divorce settlement will be like but it is bound to be expensive. Busy-Ann has stayed with me but she won’t have anything to do with ETL. Oh! the dog, that’s right, that’s why you are reading this – he’s fine, but you would be too if you had round the clock nursing from SI practice, he’s spread out too and has taken over the whole of the utility room. If I didn’t know better I would say all those extras and no exercise is making him a little bloated and he is still fetching the wrong slippers.

Monday …
New week, fresh start. I got a new girlfriend – you might think it is too soon but I was lonely – she’s not permanent or anything and co-incidentally she’s got a son called Dev too. They’ve moved in and are helping out with ETL. Between the nurses and Dev 2 (our little joke – he’s the second Dev we’ve had in the house you see) ETL has at least got round to bringing me my new slippers! I’ve asked a few friends about their dogs. Most of them have pedigree dogs too, some have tried several breeds over the years, most have had about the same results. It just goes to show that it was nothing we did that was wrong, it’s just how it is with dogs. There was one guy who had a simple mongrel which he called Michelle Script – a strange name if you ask me – but he was delighted. He said he started with lower expectations, looked after the dog well and got lots of love and devotion back – but I said that I couldn’t be seen with a mongrel, what would my friends at the Analyst Club think? I’ve decided to have a look at other breeds again, I’ll let you know how I get on.

This article was originally published on BIonRails, another Data Management & Warehousing website

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